Who doesn’t like a good top 10 list? It appeals to the lowest common denominator. It’s McNews and a serial short story rolled into one.

So while the majority of Confab attendees share their brilliant notes, insights and warm and fuzzy feelings, allow me to cut  to the hard news. I’m about to break the story everyone was feeling, but too afraid to publicly state.

10. Wayfinding

One of the best side shows of any conference is watching attendees furiously stare at their program, then look around with quiet desperation on their face, sweat dripping down their cheek as they search in vain for someone to help them. Frankly, the layout, signage, facility and staff was too logical. Don’t even get me started on the sea of helpful light blue Confab-shirt-clad volunteers willing to help. Deplorable.

9. Shwag

Where the hell was my polychromatic single use conference bag!? I really missed the thrill of stuffing a stiff polyester object into my suitcase, only to move it 15 times around my house before ultimately finding it covered in mold in my basement. Missed opportunity there confabbers.
Instead, I’m saddled with an informative poster from the exceptionally talented Richard Ingram and a  hand signed print from Sean Tubrity? Again, far too useful.

8. Men in Suits

Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than a man in a gray suit, standing up on stage talking at me in a monotone voice with a listless ambivalence to his bulleted slides. Instead, we were saddled with dynamic thinkers and academics who challenged ideas and offered real solutions as colorful and perspective.Way too logical for my liking.

7. Rob, the Hyatt Employee

Let’s talk about Rob. I met Rob at lunch. Rob, looked me in the eye, said “Hello” and had the had the audacity to not offer me a stale cookie with a mysterious jelly center. Instead, he offers me, not one, but three pieces of cake, all while smiling. Unacceptable.

6. Minneapolis

Jiminy Cricket. Where to start. Where was the rudeness? Where were the gypsies, pickpockets and surly cabbies I’ve come to expect in nearly every American urban center. In its stead, we were burdened with smiling courteous folks,  a bustling walking mall, amazing art, charming parks and a British pub within a log roll of the hotel. Now I have to go back to visit all the great sites I wasn’t able to see. That’s all I need is another great American city to adore.

5.  Detracting Back Channel Snark

Any conference worth its salt is crawling with willing attendees using the safe confines of  the back channel to eviscerate conference organizers and presenters. These engaging chaps eschew the humanity of face to face dialog, instead retreating to a cowardly medium to voice their displeasure. Where were these people? Instead, we were presented with thoughtful insights, useful amendments and continued dialogue? Rubbish!

4. Jared Spool

Where was he? Did you see him? I heard he was there, but I never saw him. All I saw was a flash moving from session to session ensuring all presenters moved with graceful AV fluidity. Clearly, that was a stunt double. It’s not like someone as accomplished as Jared Spool would help a first year conference run that smoothly.

3. Gabby

What a snob. She wouldn’t dance with me. That lovable pink twerp resisted no less than 5 offers to slow dance to “You Look Wonderful Tonight.” Something about my severe height. Whatever. It’s not like that hussy enhanced the back channel vibe and provided thoughtful levity and feedback. I’m still bitter.

2. Opening Party

Grass fed beef sliders? Decadent fish, complimented with hand cut fries with mouth watering aoli? Come on. Where were the stiff chicken satay sticks and stuffed mushrooms that could be reused as sink scrubbers? When I attend a conference, I expect to wait over 30 minutes for a watered down drink served with a side of snark. Instead, I was forced to decide between a perfectly balanced bourbon drink or a pile of fresh cupcakes. The nerve!

1.  The Content Strategy Community

For three days I was surrounded with welcoming, smart people who are genuinely concerned with sound content practices. I made professional connections, met amazingly talented people and established deeper connections with true friends. Why didn’t I feel shy and awkward? How come I didn’t retreat to my room?  How come I didn’t have to fake who I was, so that I could look like a professional bad ass?

Oh. Right. Because Confab 2011 – The Content Strategy Conference had the audacity to host the most personally and professionally satisfying conference I have ever attended.

Thank you…I guess.